3 – Relationships

While you have been getting used to being clean and sober, others have been getting used to the new you. Your relationships will show this ripple effect.

People You May Have Hurt

People may think you can’t be trusted. This attitude can be discouraging.

You might say to yourself, “If everyone thinks I’m going to use, then I might as well use”. Don’t let other people’s attitudes offend you. Pay attention to your own work on staying abstinent. Their attitudes will change in time.

If people are angry with you, then you can feel anger too, or some other emotion that you are not ready to handle. If you used to turn to drugs or alcohol when you were angry or upset, then you need a plan for these situations. If possible, walk away and do something else until you calm down. Don’t let the situation trigger a relapse. Use a decision map to think about how to react in a better way.

Give the following rules to your friends and family to help them and you while you begin your recovery.

Al-Anon’s rules for living with a person with a substance use disorder are:

Do not suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people

Do not allow yourself to be used or abused in the interest of another’s recovery

Do not do for others what they should do for themselves

Do not manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, pay bills, etc.

Do not cover up for other’s mistakes or misdeeds

Do not create a crisis

Do not prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events

As you get more stable, others will have more confidence in you. This can have a surprising side effect. As your children or spouse trust you more, they might get more honest with you. They might be more open with their feelings. This can be hard to deal with. Let these conflicts provoke a change for the better in your relationships.

Consider going to assertiveness training, anger management, or other classes. Encourage your family to get help for themselves, such as self-help groups.

People You Used With

Others who are still using might not like the changes in you. They can feel rejected or guilty about their own behaviour. Dealers don’t want to lose your business. A third of people in recovery relapse because of pressure from others. Remember that those who offer you drugs or alcohol, even friends or family, are not doing what’s best for you. Say no immediately, in a way that is convincing. Don’t say something that suggests they can ask again, like “maybe later” or “I’m on medication”. No is a complete sentence! Do not allow the conversation to remain on drugs. Change the subject.